Misaka's world

CHAPTER V

Would you believe me if I told you that a few weeks ago I had literally only vague answers about this topic and was completely lost in my vague thoughts about all the information I now put into words on my blog?

Well, that is the case. I have always been chasing the impossible. I have always had this vague vision of achieving the ultimate theory of everything. Having knowledge about abstract things seemed to give me the power to continue in my life, in the belief of achieving an understanding of life.

I believe that many people ask themselves what is the purpose of their life? I can assure you it's more than to reproduce. We are half spiritual and half physical beings, but for multiple reasons we focus on the material - the physical world too much, which is only damaging. These two phenomena should be in a perfect balance. If you truly let your inner voice (soul, energy, I use all these terms for the same thing) speak, you will find out that no material thing will make you satisfied for long or truly happy. If you look anywhere in the world, the majority of rich people are greedy for more, and the majority of poor people can't evolve much either because they struggle to live and are bound to the physical world with their unsatisfied needs. That's why I am stressing the importance of balance in one's life. We are half physical, so we need material things too but in a moderation. I feel like humans are often skipping the spiritual part so much; they just forget they are not the only body, but they have souls too. And it speaks if you listen.

So what is this so-called purpose of one's life? It's something that is truly making you satisfied, happy and fulfilled, maybe something that you are even afraid of not achieving because it seems too hard or impossible at first. It will cross your mind immediately if you try to think of it, not needing even time to think. It's your soul talking to you through feelings without thinking too much. I realized that we are often depleted of these instinctive feelings and thoughts because we are just too afraid to let it speak. We overthink even simple things, but if we truly calm our minds and just let everything flow naturally, it will manifest itself. I can grant that everyone has a purpose in his/her life. It's the very simple wish every soul has implemented inside and wanting to manifest itself; you just need to stop blocking it. Changing the thinking process helps as well, also meditation can be helpful for unblocking the mind too. But from my experience, the real knowledge comes from realization within the person. Letting the thought process flow without forcing anything, letting the feelings manifest. The purpose of one's life might be idealistic and hard to realize, but trust me - even the thought so vague as changing the world for the better might be the purpose of one's life. Simple things can change the world too (even helping someone on the street or just helping a friend, publishing a positive article, helping a stray animal, anything really), because mankind has a lot of power if it accumulates. Do what you love and find fulfilling. Do things that make you a good person. Do things that aren't opposed to your inner voice. You can't change all the people in the world, but you can change yourself and make a difference. You can't control the lives of others, but you have the responsibility for your own life and decisions. Don't let fear stop you from following your inner voice. Try always your best and don't give up easily, because hard things are usually the ones which are truly good. Don't follow the crowd, make your own path, because your soul is unique and you have a different path than all the other souls. Don't follow people or any ideology blindly. Don't compare yourself to others. And lastly, don't care too much about what other people do. You have your own path, which you find yourself the right one for you and need to follow to reach balance and certain happiness. Remember, you are given in this world and in this body only borrowed time, so make 100% of it.

I am not the best person, I am good and bad at the same time. No one is perfect really in this world. and perfection is just an illusion. I am trying to collect enough strength and willpower inside of me to fulfill absolutely everything that I want from living in balance and not being greedy to publishing articles that make difference. Even if it was only one person who felt better after reading it, it would be worth it. My ultimate goal is to stop reading material things and live in balance with a focus on evolving spiritually. I need to keep my physical and spiritual focus in balance too and it might be hard to manage, but I am trying my best. I truly want to be the best version of myself I can and I feel that this is the right path to follow.

We are here to evolve in many ways. We are here to do things that are right and making us feel good in the long term in ourselves (I can guarantee you, the money or anything that is only physical will perish and won't make you satisfied for long, hence the greed). Everything that is intended to help others and ourselves to be better beings is the right move to make. We need to progress. Our lives are bound to the lives of other beings, humans, animals, or anyone else who seems to be an entity. We are unable to be happy when the happiness isn't shared with others.

I believe that majority of people are just blinded by our physical world so hard that they tend to completely overlook the true purpose and try to create the fake one based on nonrealistic illusions (Instagram models, youtube stars, singers, etc.). We tend to be greedy about things that are not right as well. Greediness doesn't make a person satisfied even after obtaining certain items, it makes her/him greed even more. Always ask yourself: is this really making me happy? Or is this only something that I use to fill this hole inside me to fill this emptiness?

Although I have hope in humanity, it's hard to keep it up all the time. I can see injustice, oppression and corruption, and all the bad things and it makes me truly sad. But these are the things I am unable to chance alone. They can be changed throughout the spiritual evolution of all humans (and other species in different worlds) over centuries. Spiritual evolution is the key to the true evolvement of the being and ultimately the soul. I truly believe that my words will reach other individuals, even though it might not be immediate or even in this century. I am not publishing these articles for fame, I believe that this is my purpose. I want to send this message and I feel fulfilled after writing about these abstract phenomena. I knew I loved to write stuff on my blog even before, but I wasn't so committed. I let my soul speak and it told me clearly to continue to do what I find fulfilling, which is for me obtaining as much knowledge as I can and spreading what can be helpful and used in the future too. Please remember one thing - humans won't really evolve if they evolve physically or if they make high-tech only. We need spiritual enlightenment too, only that way we can progress forward.

CHAPTER IV

Many people are afraid what is going to happen with them after they die, although there is nothing to fear. The Human soul (spirit, energy) just can't perish, only transform. Einstein also said: energy can not be created nor destroyed, only transformed. We are also energetic beings so we can not be fully destroyed (only our physical bodies can be destroyed). I witnessed first hand an overwhelming energetic response from the person which was pronounced to be "dead". It was such transcendental experience for me that I fully can't explain nor comprehend what exactly happened to me. It was the most beautiful energetic wave approaching my own room, with the sky blue shade, slowly overflowing whole room and me. I thought I was hallucinating, but my dad saw it too. It is not just my experience, there are many people I talked to who had multiple experiences with "dead" people transitioning to the other dimension (the non-physical, perfect world) and giving multiple signs to their loved ones while looking for the close souls to join in the other world.

I can assure you that on the other side is no hell. Hellish can be only our time here. If we get close to this Higher energy which basically splits itself to create us and everything, we can feel fully happy, calm, perfect and whole again. We can understand everything once again.

The soul we have can't remember the past lives it had before. The reason is simple - we could not handle it and focus on our lives fully if we had this knowledge constantly in the mind. Our conscious mind just filtrates it, but for example, through past life regression, it is possible to understand our past from different lives too. Of course, there are people who are aware of some of their past lives, but it's really rare. Hence, we are this life, only this person and for the other humans, we mean what we mean this life. This is not the case though after we die. We are WHOLE ONLY after we "die" here. But death is only a door to the other world, so there is no reason to fear death and I personally am looking forward to experiencing this happiness and knowledge again after I die (I am not suicidal, just for the record). I understand many people can't understand what I am writing, but I would feel really pointless if I couldn't pass this information for the next generations, which may have more understanding.

As previously stated, the soul is immortal but is gonna be reborn until it reaches perfection. It might take millions of years in a million different worlds, planets and meeting with many different people. But from what I witnessed this closeness, sympathy and destiny meetings which occur during our lives are absolutely not random. There is such thing as fate when it comes to certain key events. Some things just can't be prevented, and meeting the close ones from previous lives is one of them. We tend to do the same mistakes and fear certain things, even without a valid reason. As someone who graduated from psychology, I can tell you that psychology doesn't have the answers to so many things that the only thing which can possibly explain human psyche or the soul is the existence of the non-physical world and immortality of the soul. After reaching the state of perfection and learning everything it can throughout experiences in many lives it lived, it can be finally reunited with the higher energy (or The God, which is by any means not a person like some people imagine it). This state is going to last for eternity and it's something that a mere human can't possibly understand, nor can I.

As I mentioned before, there is no hell. But this life can be hell for me, or for any of you because of the karma accumulated throughout past lives/life. After one dies, the soul is always transitioned into another dimension where it understands all the questions it had before and looks at things completely differently than when it was trapped in the physical body and the physical world. This state of happiness in this dimension doesn't last forever, though. The soul is still imperfect and hence needs to be born again. This cycle will continue until the soul is cleansed and evolved onto the highest level, then it won't be born again.

CHAPTER III

Many people wonder why are some people rich, bad, and still in a good health are relatively happy. How can karma exist if this is possible? Well, the answer is more than satisfying, trust me.

Everything that we do in THIS current life is written to the soul without the possibility of removing it under any condition (confessing sins won't help). Every crime, every kindness, every thought, action, feeling, they are all there. The soul accumulates all these experiences throughout life and next life (maybe not in this world, but in the other one, in completely different physical form) it will be all accounted for. People who are very cruel and bad will be born as the weakest and most fragile next life (and will suffer a lot) in order to learn and evolve spiritually.

Seemingly we pity some people who are suffering (like disabled people) but trust me, their souls are learning even this way. We have no way of looking into their past lives or know what they did in previous lives, even though it may sound cruel.

People are asking very often - why did this happen to me? What have I done? And the answer is there are certain key events which you must encounter throughout life - like meeting the close souls from the previous life, going somewhere, screwing up your life, even watching some movies or bumping into certain topics can lead your life in a completely different direction than before. Remember though that even in the worst situation you still have freedom of choice (even if it's very limited!). You can still decide what to do - how to think and how to act, which can completely change the course of your next life.

Chapter II

I was thinking about this topic for a while after I lost my beloved mum only a week ago. I am grieving, but I also know that she is at peace (her soul, which is finally whole, not just the person she was in this life). I never understood the world completely before and I have always wondered if I am ever going to fully comprehend why was I born and how exactly was the world created and what is the purpose of existence.

I had a lot of hints, flashbacks, visions, and feelings which were not explainable by current science. Some would call me a madman too (but I don't care anymore). The part of me which cared about what others think died the day I understood almost everything I wanted to know. For people reading my blog - I know that some people will understand what I exactly mean and some won't. The things I am presenting are based on the connection I made with the Higher intelligence (or the Higher energy/Source which is responsible for the creation of the world, and us). I don't have answers for absolutely everything because I am a mere human this life and I wouldn't be able to comprehend some things either.

My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe, there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength, and inspiration. - Nikola Tesla

Even the greatest physicist knew that there is something more. For some reason, I have always found him special even though I didn't know anything about him at all, nor his quotes. I felt close. Only a few weeks ago after I already developed my own "theory" of life, I finally managed to google some facts about him. Many of his quotes proved that physics is not opposed to spirituality at all. This certain quote is something that happened to me - I was able to perceive this truth through my brain which basically just somehow got into there without thinking about it logically at all. I thought I would never be able to understand life, death, the creation of life, anything. I was looking for these answers my WHOLE life! I was looking for something to satisfy my cravings for knowing the truth about the purpose, and here, in the worst moment of my life, I discovered something that I couldn't even imagine know a few years, months, weeks ago. How ironic.

The existence of the world (and other worlds and planets and other life forms) is not a coincidence. Life itself cannot be created out of nothing. I do agree that there was the "Big boom" but I do not agree about randomness. NOTHING is random. In the beginning, there was already Higher energy/ intelligence, which is invisible for us and is consisting of the abilities no humans possess, hence the explanation is very complicated. It could be described as perfect positive energy with infinite power (with no switch). The only true happiness lies within IT. This Higher energy is responsible for the creation of our world and all other worlds and also the whole universe, which has a physical form. You might ask why, well the answer is quite easy - there was nothing else before, only peace in the non-material world but the Energy itself was not able to know itself or anything else. The energy itself had to split partially and created millions of souls and also the physical world, which we have right now.

We are spiritual beings. Our souls (there is potent energy similar to Higher energy in every one of us) are imperfect and primitive until we develop spiritually over millions of years on different planets and in different worlds (there is a reincarnation). The reason for it is that we were given the gift to have our own consciousness and decide for ourselves in order to develop and we were given a dual world. A dual world means that everything has an opposite, like good-bad, ugly-beautiful, fire-water, etc. The only way to learn and develop our souls (energies) is to go through a long process full of suffering (I feel like we suffer more than we have joy), and also short-term happiness. You might notice that people who are highly spiritually evolved are very different from shallow people who are not spiritually developed (or on a very low level). These people are very specific - they are truly close to being good beings, selfless, calm, and modest with a deep understanding of life. The majority of them understand that this physical world and physical things can't bring true happiness into anyone's life, so they focus mainly on developing their souls. Note that even a human which has seemingly everything will never be truly 100% happy, no matter what. Physical-world doesn't allow that.

Ironically again, we were created in the image of God as the Bible says (but not our human form - our SOUL)! Every religion seems to be missing some aspects though, but if you combine them all you can find the analogy in many aspects, even almost the whole image with different names.

Chapter I

Is Earth really my home? This idea crossed my mind many times throughout my life. I guess that some people who are reading my blog are feeling the same sometimes. But for me, it's different from people I know in real life and also over the net (and I know many, many people).

Born 11/06/1995 in Slovakia, given human form and a weird soul, this is the beginning of my story.
I have always been very different from other people (yes, I know many people are saying this although they are the same), but my major differences started in primary school. I wasn't much into people and friends, but I spent all my time protecting animals (like slugs or worms) from kids who wanted to hurt them. I didn't care about the people there and had almost no need to talk with them. All I cared about were animals and their feelings & nature. One would say I was weird, basically, because at the age of 3-5 kids don't really realize what it means to hurt other beings and haven't formed this perception of wrong and right because of their age, although I understood it completely, even without anyone telling me somehow. Of course, I am not a saint and I used to be mean to my parrot firstly, but I understood the threshold for pain and never really hurt him. I remember having a friend who was my age (8) later on who didn't understand me picking up earthworms after rain and putting them back into the soil when they didn't make it normally because they started drying up - many of them died too, I am not sure how many I saved but it felt right for me in that age (actually to this age, I feel the need to put them back if they are too far away from soil and it's not soaking wet).

I was bullied in secondary school and even after my first years in the gymnasium. With retrospection and memories associated with secondary school, I realize that I didn't care about things people (and my mother for example) care a lot - like new clothes girls usually like for example. I was bullied because I was really different from my peers and classmates. I didn't understand why having no new, trendy clothes matters and why I can't just wear what I like (I often used to take my mom's clothes from the times when she was younger and loved it). I didn't get the skewed perception of my classmates, who were conformal already at the age of 6. I have always had very strict opinions about certain topics, which were different from my parents or other influencers and close friends, and to this day I can't explain how I gained those. It sometimes felt like they are imprinted in me without me gathering any information, it just felt right... somehow. Sometimes I just felt like something is wrong with certain events in the world and it turned out to be very wrong later. I also formed my own theory of life and the afterlife, but I'm gonna talk about that later. The idea behind this is that I feel like I am keeping many things for myself and later if I die I am gonna for sure regret that I have never stated/stored any opinion on any site where it is visible for people who might understand what I mean in the future.

The part I always skip in my blog is my paranormal experiences. I understand that not many people can understand what I mean because the majority of people never encounter anything that can not be explained, but I did. Many times. Science has no explanation for things I encountered throughout life. And I know many people would find me a fool, but I understand why I never speak about these things in public - people would not understand this. At all. But for the sake of the story to remain truthful I have to add it here, and I don't care anymore what other people will think or say about me anymore regarding this topic. This is a part of me and I'm a sane person. My first "weird" experience happened when I was a little kid around age 6 - multiple times happened that I could move little objects without wanting them just by looking/ concentrating on them (randomly). Although I always believed in magic, this was different. I realized I can't tell anyone about this, because people would question my sanity. I have never told, even to my parents. This ability though disappeared after I was around 10 y.o. or even sooner. There were multiple events when I had a "gut feeling" about something completely random and it proved it to be rightful about certain things, like checking the car randomly when I was 12 y.o. and discovering it was unlocked and similar things, I can't even count it and don't want to waste time to describe this, because I don't find it that interesting as other things I have to tell. When some people died in my family, strange things happened, like with the door itself closing or things falling (without wind). That just confirmed my theory about the existence of souls/ghosts, call it whatever. Just something else than just body and brain. Next events I don't feel yet comfortable explaining, but I had overnight bruises/injuries/burns which could not be explained by anyone for a long time (half a year+) a few years ago - when I was around 19, 20. It happened many times and I also had many times these weird dreams about extraterrestrial beings and conversations with them. Following these events, I've always felt like we can't be only humans in this huge Universe, but this was something kinda frightening on one hand and fascinating on the other. I used to be scared to talk about this and the only person I told is my boyfriend and my cousin.

To continue my "normal" background - with age, I realized that I need to belong somewhere, but the life of the majority of teens wasn't for me. It just felt wrong to drink or smoke like the majority do, so I ran away to World Of Warcraft, and later, to League of Legends. Always has been some game that took me out of this world and to this day it is still the same. I'm 22 years old, finishing in major psychology at University with no problems in achieving high grades and an excellent memory for school stuff. Although I am not really good at using this potential, because I'm kinda lazy when it comes to school (that's the irony, but I do know a lot of things and have a lot of information & knowledge about many different fields, not just psychology - by that I mean things which matters and I'm interested in). I don't understand the current system in the world and it doesn't make sense to me how people are sometimes so stupid (as opposed of smart, not intelligent) and narrow-minded about certain topics despite having average and sometimes even high IQ.

I'll never stop questioning my own existence and the existence of this reality and the purpose of humankind. One thing is clear to me right now - this world is in hands of powerful people who pull strings and they are not good people, I can assure you of that, but I'll explain later. This world is a kinda rotten place with some exceptions, but there are too many bad things happening out there. Cruel things are performed by cruel people. And the worst, humans are the only beings who are conscious of their crimes. And one more thing to add, which I realized when I was around age 15 - humanity is not ready to open its "eyes". The majority of people can not take responsibility for their lives so they need "leaders". The majority of people are just not spiritually evolved enough to understand certain things and to face reality like it is. They rather stay in their bubbles and believe what the system wants them to believe without critically judging the data they are getting fed. But about that later ...

Hey guys ^^!

I know that this is a kinda unexpected post, although I decided to make it because I used to have performance issues on my gaming laptop and managed to find out few things which can help to boost performance to maximum, so let's start!

1. Download and run CCleaner to get rid of some unnecessary junk in your pc- run first two options (Cleaner + Registry). Check also Tools-> Uninstall and remove any programs which you never/ rarely use. Never uninstall stuff from Intel or any Microsoft components you are unsure of!

2. Open task manager (ctrl+alt+del) and check what apps are you running after the start. If you see things which are unnecessary (like Skype, discord or any other programs you have installed and are sure that are useless to start after you boot your pc) simply disable them by right click + disable.

3. Download some antivirus like Avast/Avira/AVG and run it. After that, you can also run Adware Removal Tool or Malwarebytes.

4. Type msconfig into the search box - choose selective startup and check first two options -> process to boot-> check no GUI boot-> set timeout to 3 or 4 seconds -> advanced options -> a select number of processors and choose maximum + maximum memory. This will help a lot with fastening boot up.

5. Select properties of icon "This PC" -> advanced system settings -> advanced -> performance -> settings -> adjust for best performance (now there are some effects I personally still keep so it doesn't look so dull and that's thumbnail previews, smooth edges of screen fonts and show windows when dragging).

6. Download Advanced System Care and run it. This one is my favorite program which can boost performance a lot by optimizing the system in many different ways (from HDD to boot up any many more). Also, don't forget to check TURBO boost (automatically freeing RAM).

7. Defrag your pc. My fav program is Defraggler. Defragmentation is a process that reduces the amount of fragmentation. It does this by physically organizing the contents of the mass storage device used to store files into the smallest number of contiguous regions (fragments). So basically one program/file whatever is stored in different places of HDD and Defraggler will put it to the right place so it's faster to open etc.

8. Download Driver Booster and run it. This is a huge boost because the majority of people don't update their drivers. You can also check drivers for your PC on a website of your computer company.

9. Type regedit into the search box. Go to hkey current user -> control panel -> mouse -> mousehovertime (change value to 10). After that click on desktop folder-> mouseshowdelay (change to 10 and okay).

10. Type prefetch into the search box and delete all content inside. The same goes for %appdata% -> go to appdata-> local -> temp and delete all of them.

11. Type services into search box -> disable superfetch and also disable all xbox features. After that disable also dmwappushsvc service.

12. Click on windows logo on screen -> settings.
Disable absolutely all things in privacy settings. Set feedback and diagnostics to basic and set never send Microsoft data.
Disable all notifications in System/notifications.
When it comes to Xbox I usually disable all features, but this one is optional because for some people it can increase gaming performance and for some decrease.
When it comes to Personalization disable transparency in Color option.

13. Right click on battery icon-> power plan -> set it to high performance.

14. Don't forget to run your games on your NVIDIA/AMD card (right click on the game icon and check if you are running with Nvidia/AMD graphics processor).

15. Don't forget to also check the files you downloaded and get rid of all things you no longer need.

I think that's all I can think of right now ^^ hope it helps to someone!

So, first ... I want to say that if I was a healthy person and didn't have a horrible infection which didn't react to any medication I would never undergo it. Yes, it's really, really hard, mainly if you are a food lover. Fasting basically means to give up all food and juices/teas as well and drink only water. I drank mainly normal water (not distilled one as recommended, quality of water is good here).

Sometimes doctors are unable to treat chronic illnesses - they just fail and have nothing more to do (my case). They sent you back home with almost no recommendation on what to do. I refused to give up and decided to treat myself through fasting + elixir of life (and everyone who read Malakhov: Manual of Fasting) will know what I am talking about. If you are interested look it up. I wasn't sure about what it can change and if I even am gonna make it through 7 days with no food intake. But hey, I was in such devastated state all months before on pills and nothing worked - culture tests were showing massive infection and the pain I was experiencing was unreal.

To my surprise, the first days were worst (first 4). As the acidic state of my body was increasing, I started to feel weak and dizzy; I smelled like acetone (due to acidity and acidic crisis at 4-6 days when it had spike). It was a horrible experience because the hunger for me stopped after 4 days but during the first days, I was literally starving. I felt so weak during whole therapy that I managed to do yoga just once and otherwise, was like a living corpse - also I slept like 12hours or more. But I'm not complaining, I know my body started healing process right ahead. I felt it.

Fasting basically works on principle on autolysis - it just gets rid of what is pathogenic over healthy tissues and focuses all energy (which is normally 80% invested on food) to repair the damage done in the body. And yes, the body is full of toxins. Also, there is acidic crisis spike (first in my case was I think 4th day). This acidic crisis is the highest level of acidity in the body and it leads to worsening of my symptoms (temporary state). Body is normally alkaline, although like this it's a lot easier to get rid of infections, parasites and damaged tissues and toxins too. I don't need much scientific proof because I am living proof that this is working (at least for me it worked, I believe it can work for others too).

What fasting did for me? First of all - I didn't know whether I have infection or no, because I still am recovering from some after-symptoms (which aren't so severe), I just knew it helped for other things first - I felt weak but also I noticed after seven days that I have no more eczema on body - it disappeared, rashes on hands were totally clean, dry skin was repaired. Blood pressure got fixed to perfect state although my pulse was around 100+ - it went down after I started eating again. I had acne breakouts all over the body, but it got clean up after while, also my tongue was coated in white from toxins, it got rid of it though. I stopped smelling like acetone too after a while and the best thing - I went to tests (two times) and it went back negative, two times for all infections which can be cultured. So as unreal as it seems - fasting and elixir of life are able to treat many illnesses. It even fixed my period ("starving" aka fasting should according to science stop period, in my case it brought it back and it was a very weak period). My nails became even stronger than before and the unwanted effect of getting rid of addiction on junk food came too. I always enjoyed chips and french fries and now I absolutely don't show any desire for these foods. It's like food is now just source of vitamins for me but nothing else anymore (I hate to even say this, but I can't even force myself to eat french fries before ate in kilos). For example today I woke up (went to sleep hungry) and now I feel no need for eating at all (and I planned to eat fries). Doesn't work like that anymore, it broke my addiction to junk food and over salty food (even though I didn't want that, it was one of few things I could enjoy in life).

Even though I have to fix my flora now somehow, my body was able to get rid of infection just thanks to these two methods mentioned. I am 100% sure I would be still suffering if I didn't try this and maybe even death due to suicide. I will never undergo any chemical treatment which is harsh again - even If I got cancer I would never try to even undergo chemo and I will stick with this method. I believe 21 days of fasting can cure the majority of illnesses.

I want to emphasize another thing - I had positive thoughts about this therapy and I believed it's gonna work more than pills I was taking. You can't undergo any therapy without believing you gonna get desired results. Mind and body, both work together.

I will never give up on my life. No matter what.

Hello beloved foxies. To all loyal people reading my blog first I want to say that if you are healthy ( I know I made such post before, but...) APPRECIATE IT. Appreciate your health and what you have in life because some people in this world have painful and terminal disease about which you have never heard about and yet, we people still complain about our everyday bullshit. No, most problems are not even problems. I have never ever thought that ilness can change person this much. At times, I thought I'm about to die (due to insomnia from being in pain mostly, but also suicidal due to chronic pain).

We never know what can happen in life and we never look at health as something important, but - HEALTH is #1 priority. Without health, nothing in life makes sense. There is no such thing as 100% health but healthy is defined as such state in which we are able to do activities every day normally and adapt to life circumstances. When you are chronically sick these things become impossible. It's no use even saying that everything what I had in life - everything what I achieved, what I physically owned had no value for me anymore. I couldn't enjoy life AT ALL for four months. All I could think about was pain I feel due to infection and during night I was depressed or crying over it. So yes, basically that was me past months. People who don't know me and only see my fb/twitter would never assume of course. I was ironic as always, played games (even though first months couldn't because I couldn't even FOCUS cus of pain).

So yes, as I mentioned, ilness can change personality drastically. At times I felt like I am losing my mind, I was in such bad mental state. It was probably creating some mental ilness I felt totally lost and detached from world (I recovered though). I was coinflip negative/ positive, because at times I wanted to believe that I'm getting healthy but then lost hope after seeing no results after so many treatments.

But... I have never completely gave up. Even after all these medical treatment failures, alternative failures I kept digging for other therapies and trying to solve this. I refused to accept this as my life and reality. In the end I can tell that I am recovering these days, I'm not completely back but I'm working on it so hard... it's way better then it was. So if you ever face such complicated situation - try to look after all solutions and there is 95% chance you will find it. It's easy to say don't give up, but in reality it's actually soooooo hard. Even though - you are here, on Earth (probably) given life, so you can't just easily give up on it. From now I will try to fight till the end. I will keep walking this path in life because I legit feel like I was given second chance in life.

Hey guys! Long time no see. Probably my fault, I was busy with Uni, then playing League and stuffs like every ordinary person does. But then... 3 months ago my life went boom. And by boom I mean I got sick. I won't go to details, but currently, I am going through the hardest part of my life. I rarely talk to someone about this because I don't feel like it at all. I kinda got self - absorbed into my illness and had plenty of time during past months to think about life and everything.

It's just ironic. We people never value things and we take them for granted. I can tell to everyone that if you lose your health, quality of life is close to zero ( depending on the illness, but if you have chronic infection or pain it's just terrible). Daily activities are impossible, relationship with people is almost impossible too because you can't get your thought away from pain/illness/consequences. It's just never ending circle of pain affecting every inch of you. People, please - value what you have. Mainly things which you maybe don't realize - like your eyes, being infection free, that you have legs and arms. If you have these "things" then you are capable of achieving whatever you want. Stressing over other things became impossible for me last months due to physical pain. Didn't affect only my physical health, but also my mental state was very bad for the past three months. Now I'm trying fasting and alternative therapies because I had 8 treatments and nothing cleared my symptoms except alternative remedies which helped me to some extent. Now I don't eat any solid food for 7 days (now on day 4). You can google fasting and books about it, there are plenty. It's very hard to be without food but I know it can trigger many healing processes in the body- normally 80% of energy is used just for digestion. It sucks to be hungry, it sucks to feel weak and having fever and aches because of toxins released into the body, but it's still worth it!!! Although I'm nowhere where I should be I'm really trying my hardest to get myself back. This illness taught me something very precious - even though I feel weak and want to give up through tears I still continue somehow fighting this. I just can't give up on my life, new goals, dreams. There is no way I will lose this all due to being sick. I refuse to give up my life to this and I will find the solution no matter what. So if you guys ever encounter something so terrible as I did - don't give up. Never give up no matter how bad is it with you. Even if you feel like you are about to die from physical/mental pain. I understand the mental pain, extreme physical pain and also suicidal thoughts. I understand it all. I was through extreme bullying during my childhood, then I didn't feel loved by my mother and had many health issues throughout life /but none of them major like this one. I understand suffering more than I look like. But giving up won't benefit anything, I want my body to force the healing process and to recognize the infection and heal itself. I wanna be the perfect being once again and I won't surrender even if I have to go through dead people to gain it back.

Funny fact is that even during these days when I'm still kinda sick, I still look like before. My appearance except losing like 10-11kg didn't change much. My advice for everyone who is going through something similar is to stop losing hope. I have coinflip days when I lose hope but I am trying to erase it. I believe there is a solution for things like this and that it gets better over time with all effort I am putting into this. My negative mindset was only worsening things past months so I am trying to fix and also trying Silva method and visualization ( can check on google too ;D). It's just cruel that some people have to go through rare illnesses and never-ending sufferings, although somewhere exists the solution - and we have to try to find it, no matter what. I believe that in the body is enough healing power to overcome almost every illness, even if illness doesn't make sense or whatever (mine doesn't make sense). So, in the end, I just wanna say - I value things way more than before. Never realized how can life be so bad without being healthy, how everything can become so useless and pointless in my eyes, how illness can steal all sparks I had in my eyes. But even though - I AM STILL FIGHTING. And I won't give up. I refuse to give up.

Title is kinda tricky. It's mirroring my personality very well though (two sides, bright and dark) - I accepted some (not that important) things but also decided to not give up on other important things. This month has been very weird; I am kinda very self conscious about my mental state and I don't feel very happy at the moment. Maybe I worry too much about future? Maybe some of you who are still reading my half baked non active blog are going through something similar.

League of Legends and games have been always a big part of my life. Major time at high school (aka teenage years were literally just me playing World of Warcraft). No people. Of course, there were some people, but nothing significant. I don't know if I have ever told you here, but I didn't go to prom. Reasons? My classmates were total assholess (exceptions like 4people max). I didn't feel like spending money on something just because it's a "tradition". I don't need to be conformal to prove my "place" in society. I just don't care at all. And I actually think that if you ever feel like me (that u don't want to do something what is conformal and traditional like proms and other things) and you are just being forced to events, just don't go... do whatever you want instead. I went on guild raid and I don't regret. Somehow these days I just feel like games are not satisfying anymore and I don't know why. But I have some explanations which I will discuss below;

First - as I said I kinda worry about future. Everyone does. But it's kinda unlikely for me, I can force my mind go blank for a veeery long period of time. Never had problems with falling asleep and stuff; these days I kinda got fed up with exams ( I passed them by the way) and also my part time job and felt kinda forced to do thing and I HATE THAT. I hate when I can't do things I want and I HAVE or MUST do something instead. I'm concerned about absolutely everything in my life. In the way that I have no idea what I want in the future, mostly; I am obsessed with aliens, forensic psychology, esports and esports psychology and also interested in other things I don't want to share right now (big plans kappa).

Second - I got my hair done in a hair studio by some FUCKING UNSKILLED hairdresser who completely messed up my hair. I'm so mad when I think about it - she literally made stairs on my hair (totally messed up layers of hair) and I had to go to my friend to fix it up ( she couldn't, it was THAT BAD, I have like hair on back side shorter and fronts are way longer ). I have to wait one month to get it cut to some cultured haircut. YES, you might say this is trivial problem, but no. Hair is something precious to me, you have to take good care of it and it's like crown of beauty and now it has been destroyed so I'm severly depressed. It will grow over time, but it messed up my mental state one day before exam and I got E. Because of hair. (Edit: it was a mistake, she changed it to C). Yes. That's how I am, never lucky. I might be 10% shallow person when I rethink what I just wrote.

Third thing is that I have some health issues and I decided to reduce/quit refined sugar. I am a big lover of chips, french fries, ice cream and many unhealthy food in general. As many of you know, I don't eat meat, although I still don't eat healthy. These weeks I want to get more fit - get back to exercising and sticking with my healthy life style plan for incoming months. This is sixth day without refined sugar (I had two times little portion of cooked potatoes but shhh). I tried to exercise with Fitnessblender (14 days out of 30) and it made me feel more energized. My sugar addiction is slightly dissapearing, I don't feel any urges to eat anything unhealthy at this moment (I GAVE UP ON IDEA OF EATING IT BUT IT WAS HARD!!!) I am including benefits of quitting refined sugar which concerned me to quit it:

1. Refined sugar is as addictive as cocaine. If you really don't want to slowly ruin your health and just weaken your immune system, it's a really good choice. I guess no one wants to be slave to something unhealthy drug-like (Like refined sugar).

2. Losing weight. This one is pretty attractive to me and any other person with weight struggles I guess.

3. Inflammation in body will decrease. Yes baby, refined sugar is causing all sort of inflammation, from heart diseases to acne.

4. Rates of cholestelor in blood will drop.

5. Decreasing chance to get diabetes.

7. Decreasing risk of cancer. Sugar spikes insuline to abnormally high levels. Insuline is one of the factor considered to be cause of cancer cells going on rampage.

8. No nutrions, no proteins, no fiber, no vitamins. Empty calories. You still feel hungry and craving for more.

The conclusion I made from my experiences past weeks and possibly months is that whoever is reading this, don't give up easily on things which are very important for you. Things which define you, dreams you have, hopes you hold. Those abstract treasures are something what you can't just forget and throw it away. On the other side - stop bothering with things which are not that important and focus on your true goals, no matter what they are and no matter how hard it seems to achieve it. Don't let other people to tell you what you are supposed to do when you feel inside that this is the right thing to do. It's your life and your responsibility for it. You don't want to regret that you didn't try something what you dreamed of for a long time.

CHAPTER V

CHAPTER IV

CHAPTER III

Chapter II

Chapter I

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